Have a Good One!

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     Okay, let me start by saying that it’s not your fault. You didn’t start the trend. You were an innocent by-hearer. You heard the word or phrase, it seemed to fit the occasion or the moment; it was easy and convenient to use; you didn’t have to think about it or say anything else; and best of all, it was understood and accepted by those around you. You simply did what most people do: you went along with what was popular, you followed the crowd. Maybe— just maybe —you didn’t know any better.

      I’m talking about common but incredibly annoying words and phrases everyone seems to use. Not to be confused with cringe-worthy clichés and vapid platitudes which, as soon as you hear them, send you scurrying for intellectual cover, these infuriating words and phrases are not in and of themselves offensive or even bothersome. It has more to do with the way they are used by their unaware, and too often, blatantly ignorant user. If you are a frequent user of any of these words and/or idioms, consider yourself on notice. As intelligent and informed as you may believe yourself to be, by uttering any or all of these insipid locutions, you have fallen in with the verbal sheep. Baaaahhhhhhhhhh.

1.  TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL— Since when is anything in life except maybe the March Madness brackets and Super Mario framed so that when you get better at something you actually move up a level? Honestly, this is the best you can come up with to say so-and-so or such-and-such team is striving to improve, continually working to improve their performance or ability so they can move up in the standings or make it to the playoffs or earn that promotion? You sound like a Saturday afternoon B-game sports announcer who was never able to make the team himself.

2.   AMAZING— Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everything’s amazing. Everyone’s amazing. It’s all amazing. Do you even know what amazing means? It means “causing great surprise or sudden wonder.” So, no, that terrific Brazilian dinner you had at Fazenda Gaúcha last night was not amazing; it was not a great surprise or sudden wonder. It was a terrific Brazilian dinner. David Blaine levitating on a New York City sidewalk or a solar eclipse? Those are amazing!

3.   BEAT vs. BEATEN— It’s simple grammar, folks. Beat is a verb showing action, as in: “The Skunks beat the Wild Ducks in the championship game;” or, “I’m going to beat him to the finish line because I’m faster. Beaten is an adjective describing a noun, as in, “The Wild Ducks were beaten by the Skunks in the championship game’: or, “I was beaten to the finish line because I tripped over my shoelaces.” Get it straight: the Wild Ducks were NOT beat by the Skunks. They were beaten! Sheesh. This isn’t brain surgery, people.

4.   I vs. ME— My, God. You should have mastered this by the fourth grade. It’s “She and I are going to the movie,” not “Her and me” or “Me and her,” nor yet again, “Her and I.” If you were going by yourselves, you would say, “She is going to the movie,” or I am going to the movie,” NOT, “Me am going to the movie,” or “Her is going to the movie.” Come out, come out (from under your rock), wherever you are!

5.   LAY vs. LIE— Lay means "to place something down flat," while lie means "to be in a flat position on a surface." The key difference is that lay requires an object to act upon, and lie describes something moving on its own or already in position. The correct thing to say is, "I'm going to lie down,” NOT “I’m going to lay down.” The Merriam Webster Dictionary says it forgives you because “lay” and “lie” have been tripping up English speakers for 700 years, but I don’t. It’s one of the easiest English rules to remember. You can hear it, for God’s sake. Hearing someone say, “I’m going to lay down” is like attending an opera and hearing the soprano suddenly screech like Janis Joplin in the middle of her Turandot aria.

6.   AWESOME— According to every dictionary I could get my hands on, some- thing that is awesome causes or induces awe; inspiring an overwhelming feeling of reverence, admiration, or fear. When Mr. Kleen does an exceptionally good job of washing and detailing your car, don’t tell the balding guy at the checkout counter with “Larry” embroidered over his left shit pocket that they “did an awesome job” on your car. There was nothing awesome about it. Tell him they did an exceptionally good job of washing and detailing your car.

7.  NO PROBLEM or UH-HUH— The correct response when someone thanks you for doing something, is “You’re welcome.” Or, I suppose you could go with something like, “My pleasure,” if you’re not afraid of sounding like you work at Chick-Fil-A. But, “No problem?” What the hell is that supposed to mean? If the kid in the canned vegetable aisle helps you find those elusive Grillin’ Beans you love so much and you thank him, does him saying, “No problem” mean that you asking him for his assistance could have been a problem, it just wasn’t? Heaven help us all. 8. FUCK/FUCKING— Are you as tired of this word as I am? If this is your go-to word when you stub your toe on the coffee table or drop the casserole on the kitchen floor— or when you’re just using 1/100th of your brain and it’s the only word that comes to mind —may I respectfully suggest you watch this entertaining video: “The Word FUCK” — www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Nx0sQLl7IY 

9.   GOOD TO GO— What, are you about to launch a rocket? You don’t work for NASA or Space X, so quit trying to sound like you’re Mission Control. Just say, “Ready.” We’ll take it from there. 

10.   IT’S ALL GOOD— Not it’s not, so don’t say it is. This is the lazy man’s way of not answering the question or denying there might be something that’s not up to snuff. “So, how’s that widget project coming along, Tom?” It’s giving you ulcers and will come in at least a month late. But you say, “It’s all good.” Or: There’s still a little knocking sound in your car’s engine after you just paid $500 to have it fixed, but when the mechanic asks if you’re satisfied, rather than telling him no, you still hear that little pinging and pissing him off because it means he’s going to have go in and do the job again— a job he didn’t want to do in the first place —you sheepishly lie and say, “No, no. It’s all good.”

11.  LIKE--  Like, don't even get me started, like.


BONUS: 

HAVE A GOOD ONE— Have a good one what? Sandwich? Vacation? Shower? This is worse than that stupid smiley face that used to come with the incredibly trite and insincere phrase, “Have a nice day”



  So that’s all I have to say about that. Have a good one.

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